Stamps, Paper, Scissors

Blogging Stamper Collapses...

Jan Tinklenberg, aka Jan Tink, of Stamps, Paper, Scissors fame was found Wednesday morning by her husband, Dan, buried under a pile of paper.

"They're 'sketches', whatever that means," said Mr. Tinklenberg, "She has been printing these things off like mad...I thought the tins were bad, but this is worse in a way. The tins...she finally ran out of room for them, so she had to stop buying them. I figured she would just start making things with them, but they are still in a closet somewhere. But these...it will take a while for her to run out of room and all she needs is paper and printer ink. She tried just keeping them in a book, but she's fallen behind punching holes and putting them in the book. They've been piling up on every flat surface...I'm worried."

Action News asked a staffer who stamps what "sketches" are. "Oh, they help you out because you don't have to come up with the whole design yourself! They're COOL!" The staffer asked that we keep her name out of this news story so the other stampers in her club would realize that she didn't come up with totally original designs. "It's not cheating!" she exclaimed, "It's just that...there's only so much time in a day to stamp! I don't want to waste it fiddling with design stuff when someone else has already done the grunt work!"

We caught a glimpse of Ms. Tinklenberg as she was excavated from under her pile of sketches; she was shrieking, "Oh no! It's Wednesday and I haven't printed off the MOJO Monday Sketch from Poetic Artistry yet! Where's Beate's Weekend Sketch!?!? I haven't gotten to it yet! So many sketches, so little time....!!! Ack! Chocolate, I need chocolate!"

Mr. Tinklenberg asked us to reassure Jan's readers: "She'll be back tomorrow...she just needs a break to get on top of all these sketches! No hosptilization needed this time!" He put a hand over the camera and pushed us out the door. "Go away!"

Stay tuned for tomorrows update: "Sketches - A New Manifestation of Stamping Addiction".

I think I've discovered a whole new style!!!

And I am SO excited to show it to you!!! The people at my class last night were just in awe, I can tell you! They were lovin' me for showing these gorgeous cards to them and I think you will too! Are you ready? Okay:

Isn't it just GOJUS?!?! This is a simple one layer card, which I think I am going to stick to from now on. After all, who wants to waste money on layers when you can say it all with one piece of cardstock!

Okay, there is one teeny layer on here because otherwise the greeting just does not show through this fabulous technique, but after this card I realized...why do we need sentiment stamps? Why bother?!?! Why not just let the GOJUS-ness speak for EVERYTHING?!?!? Why do the recipients need some WORDS on the front of the card? Look at this one:

GOJUS!!! You'll also note that there is no ribbon on this card. Why waste money on ribbon when this beauty is before you?!?!? It would just distract you from contemplating the sheer SPECTACULARITY that is my art. And as I practiced this technique, I just got better! Look at this, my final masterpiece:

Aren't you just drooling with delight?!?!? Isn't it just LOVERLY?!?!?! Sigh...no brads, no ribbon, no layers, no sentiment of any kind. I feel FREE! Free to express myself without spending tons of money on unnecessary bling! No glitter! No embossing powder! I can do it all with just a few ink pads, some colored pencils and some Saran Wrap!

Not only that, I can finally achieve my goal when I started stamping: to make my own Christmas cards and SAVE MONEY!!!

Are you just LOVIN' ME NOW?!?!?!? (YILM!)

What?

What's that?

You really think that maybe...

I'm just...

What?

Well, you might be right....in fact....

APRIL FOOL!!!!

Hee hee...

The above cards really are my masterpieces...from about 12 years ago. Seriously, though, are they not some of the UGLAY-EST cards you ever saw in your entire life?!?!? I was fairly proud of at least two of those at the time.

Just goes to show you that everyone starts someplace. Yes, even the great Jan Tink started out stamping like everyone else. I keep that shell card around to show my students and downline that I have not always been good at this...I had to stamp a lot of cards to get where I am today!

Anyway, I did have a class last night, so I will be showing those cards in my next post. Stay tuned!

I think that I shall never see...

A sight as evil as this tree!!!

"Why, whaddya mean, Jan? This tree doesn't look evil! It looks lovely! Lovely!!!"

Let me tell you a dark tale of woe and humiliation:

Once upon a time there was a family who headed off into the snowy cold to buy themselves a Christmas tree. They picked out a beautiful Scotch pine, the very first time they had picked out a Scotch pine instead of a balsam. It was perfect, the right price and practically perfect in every way....and yet....

The nice men at the tree lot tied it on to the top of the family's car and off they went. The guys at the tree lot were probably breathing large sighs of relief at getting rid of this tree, but I digress...

The family made it almost all the way home when people in other cars started flashing their lights at them. When the mother of the family looked up she saw that the tree was sliding off the side of the roof of the car, but had not fallen yet. She warned the dad to slow down so as not to have the lovely tree take a header into the dirty slushy street. She thought, "Poor tree...we don't want it to fall off the car!" Little did she know it was only the first attempt of the tree to alter the course of events...

The family brought the lovely tree home and, in obedience to family custom, stood the tree in the back yard. The mom would be responsible for bringing the tree inside the next day.

And so the next day, after a long day of Christmas shopping and after picking the kids up at school, the mother prepared the living room for the tree. She moved her electronic piano and vacuumed the corner where the tree would stand. She brought the tree stand in from the garage and dragged the tree inside, noting a thick accumulation of ice and snow on the bottom of the trunk which she could not kick off...remember this, it is very important later.

As she fought to get the tree in the house, the tree fought back, stabbing at her with it's piney little needles. She didn't think too badly of the tree, however...it is the nature of pine trees to be a bit prickly. "It is a good tree" she thought, "it is the nature of the tree to be prickly. I cannot blame the tree for being a tree. Plus it will look lovely in the living room."

The mother got the tree standing upright, put the trunk it in its base and tightened up the screws to holdthe tree in. She stepped back and  looked at it. "Ah...what a beautiful tree; by far the loveliest tree we have ever had!" She had wanted a  Scotch pine for years, since they are easier to decorate than balsam pines. It was straight and tall and smelled delicious! Caloo! Callay! Oh Frabjous Day!

She instructed the small boy in the family to begin filling the capacious tree stand with water. The small boy made many trips to and from the kitchen with the measuring cup. At last the stand was full of water. The father came home from work and the loveliness of the tree was celebrated! "Tomorrow we can put the lights and decorations on!" the family crowed!

The children settled down to do their homework. The father and mother made chit chat about their day. All seemed well.

And the suddenly, the tree bent it's regal head and fell right over on the carpet, CRASH!!! The mom rushed over to the tree and picked it up, pricking her hands since her gloves were on the other side of the room. She screeched at the children, "GET TOWELS!!! MOP UP THE WATER!!!!" The children raced to obey. Finally almost all of the water was mopped up. The mom carefully held the tree as she lowered herself to adjust the screws in the base tighter...surely that was all that was needed.

However, if you recall that thick coat of ice and snow on the bottom of the trunk, you will realize, as she did later, that the water being poured into the base had melted all of that. Previously, the ice had rested right on top of the spike in the center of the base that keeps the very bottom of the tree from moving. Once that was melted, the bottom of the tree was about 1/2" above that spike...and so with nothing to keep the bottom from moving, it fell over.

So you can imagine that adjusting the screws tighter would not change that situation at all, at all...can you see what was coming next? Can you?

Yes, indeed. The tree fell over yet again and this time it fell right on TOP Of the mom. She lay there yelling, "HELP ME!!! HELP ME!!!" She did not think it was funny at all, at all. Yet the teenager in the room certainly thought so. The small boy thought so too. And so did the middle child. They all thought it was very, very funny.

Luckily, for the mother, the father was a very chivalrous man, truly a knight in shining armor. Some men would have laughed their butts off at the sight of their wives lying under a Christmas tree. Some husbands would have run for the camcorder or the camera and taken pictures. Some would have even sent a video into that show where people's humiliations are celebrated. But not this man. This man rushed over and picked the tree up off his wife. What a guy!

Finally, with the father's help, the mother got the tree back in the base so that it wouldn't fall over, though she told the small boy that we would wait a while to water the tree...just in case.

What do YOU want, tree?!?! Isn't falling over on top of me ENOUGH?!?!? What's that? Come closer? Don't get me!

You want to apologize? Sure...like I believe THAT! What? You have something for me? Look down? Look down where? DON'T GET ME!

What is THAT?!?!? Is it what I think it is?!?!? Is it?!?!?!

IT IS!!! It's my new Stampin' Up! Spring/Summer CATALOG...er...I mean COLLECTION!!!! Wow, tree! This is SO NICE of you! I guess that makes up for your falling on me...I forgive you!

Just in case, though....I'm not going to be crawling around on the floor underneath you any time soon!

Scientific facts I learned this morning (and blog candy!)

UPDATE!!: Comments for the blog candy are now closed...stay tuned for the announcement of the winner!

What I learned this morning:

1. When you are cleaning up your stamping desk and moving things around, any containers of brads you left on the desk the last time you stamped should probably be moved away from the edge of the desk.
2. A nearly full container of brads, even when closed, does not stay that way when it falls off the desk.
3. A nearly full container of brads, when it falls off the desk from a height of about 34 inches, scatters brads in a circular direction.
4. A nearly full container of brads, when it falls off the desk from a height of about 34 inches, makes a circular scatter pattern that is about 4 feet in diameter.
5. A nearly full container of brads, when it falls off the desk from a height of about 34 inches, makes a sound that freezes your soul and fills you with dread.
6. Chocolate helps with the dread.
7. There isn't enough chocolate in my house and what was there is now gone.
8. It's very dark under my desk.
9. I have the world's ugliest tile floor.
10. The way I deal with having the world's ugliest tile floor is not to look at it.
11. Looking at the world's ugliest tile floor give me a frustrated, horrified feeling, knowing that it will be years before we can afford to replace the whole thing.
12. You have to look at the world's ugliest tile floor when you have to sit on it to look for brads that fell off the desk from a height of about 34 inches.
13. It helps to have chocolate to deal with the frustrated, horrified feeling you get from looking at the world's ugliest tile floor, but it only helps if you have some.
14. The world's ugliest tile floor has a pattern that conceals brads very effectively, aided by the darkness mentioned before.
15. When you finally decide to lower yourself to the world's ugliest tile floor to pick up the brads, grateful for the fact that at least you had turned your little heater on and it won't be a traumatic tush-freezing incident, according to the laws of probability the phone will ring.
16. According to the laws of probability, when you haul your tush off the world's ugliest tile floor to answer the phone, you will realize by looking at the caller ID that it is a telemarketer.
17. You *can* resist answering the phone and giving the telemarketing person a piece of your mind, though it isn't easy.
18. Chocolate will help you resist, if you have some.
19. Getting back down on the world's ugliest tile floor the second time to pick up brads is just as hard as it was the first time.
20. If you are fat enough, you can sit on lots of brads and not even feel them under you.
21. If you eat enough chocolate, you will have no problem with being fat enough.
22. When you sit on brads, they get squashed.
23. Squashed brads are hard to straighten back out, though it can be done. They will never look the same, though.
24. Brads are very good at sticking into the soles of Birkenstock clogs.
25. When you step on brads, you squash them as well as feeling a sickening grating sensation when the brad scrapes across the world's ugliest tile floor on your shoe.
26. Chocolate helps with the sickening grating sensation, but only if you have some.
27. When you are on the world's ugliest tile floor picking up brads, you find all kinds of things that rolled under the desk and were never seen again until now.
28. Some of the things you find under the desk are worth finding, some are not.
29. None of them are chocolate.
30. You should never wear dark colored pants when you sit on the world's ugliest tile floor to pick up brads, particularly if you haven't swept the world's ugliest tile floor recently.
31. As you pick up brads off the world's ugliest tile floor you will inadvertently pick up lots of fuzz so that your brad container will now contain brads AND fuzz.
32. You will not find all the brads when you are down on the world's ugliest tile floor, but you will find one or two every now and then for the next few days, usually when you step on one (see 25).
33. There is no chocolate in my house to deal with that.

That's what I've learned so far today and that's why I have no card to show you.

So to console you I have this blog candy:

This is the set "Flourished Words" available from Flourishes LLC. I have an extra because of my last embarrassing incident of losing my set in the computer cabinet. So it's only right and fitting that my latest embarrassing incident should be marked by giving this away!

To win my blog candy, post a comment tell me about something embarrassing that happened to you while stamping by 12M EST on Sunday evening (the 16th), when I will pick a random post using random.org. I promise I won't laugh...much.

Joy!

Really! Another garland:

I sort of copied the one in the Holiday mini, but I changed the Old Olive Print paper to Soft Sky, changed the Real Red on the letters to Purely Pomegranate and made my snowflakes a bit fancier:

I stacked two snowflakes, used silver glitter on one and Dazzling Diamonds on the other over Whisper White craft ink using Heat 'n Stick powder to adhere the glitter. Punched a hole with my Cropadile in the center of each and attached them together with an Ice brad.

Stringing them on the elastic cord took a bit more ingenuity:

I used some wire to make a loop around the prongs of the brad, then curled the top of the loop down to make another loop. However, this made the snowflake slide to easily up and down the elastic, so I put the elastic through the loop once, the brought it back around and put it through again in the same direction. The let it slide somewhat if I was careful, but it didn't slip down against the "O" in "Joy" the way it was before.

I am thinking it might need something on the other sides of the J and the Y, but I haven't figured out what. Otherwise, don't you think....IT'S GOJUS!!!! (YILM!)

BTW, someone asked about my NOEL garland...I used chocolate chip 5/8" grosgrain to string the letters on.

This leaves me with these letters:

A E F H J K T U Y

So I started thinkin'...what other garlands could I make for the holidays?

Well, I could make a sign for people who wonder where there might be something to drink:

But this only covers one drink and there aren't enough letters for coffee or even Diet Coke!

So what else could I do with them...hmmmm....

This could be a handy garland for letting the landlord know that your furnace is out, but we own our house, so I hardly need a garland like that. So how 'bout:

A Festivus garland! For those who are not familiar with Festivus, it's a holiday invented by George Constanza's dad on Seinfeld...the problem is that this should really say "Feats of Strength", so I definitely don't have enough letters. And I don't celebrate Festivus and don't know anyone that does.

Here's a very agreeable garland. And if you are of the pirate inclination:

This might work better, though it should really say, "Aye Aye!" don't you think? But even so, do they really mean anything to do with the holidays? Nope! Clearly these will not be that useful. Hmmm....

If I were the owner of a bird sanctuary...sigh...but I'm not...

Or a zoo...but I don't have a zoo either...

Now, this might be a garland for those friends who really don't like their relatives, but that seems to defeat the purpose of "holiday cheer"...

Now, here's a holiday theme I can certainly get behind (or it will get behind me!)

But I finally came up with the perfect garland for my leftover letters. It sums up everything that the holidays mean for millions of women after January 1st. You're gonna love it! Ready?

After the dinners are over, the cookies, the chocolate, the candy canes, the chocolate, pumpkin pies, chocolate, hors d'oevres, chocolate have been eaten and cocktails and champagne have been drunk, this banner could be hung in a strategic spot in the bathroom:

Right over the scale! Isn't this a fabulous idea?

What? You don't think so? Well...you could always hang it up on Christmas Eve over that plate of cookies you leave for Santa, but then he might not want to leave you any toys. Not a good idea.

Stamper's Lament

A Stamper's Lament
By JanTink
after Rudyard Kipling's poem "The Power of the Dog"

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Stamping Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your art to a child to tear.

Purchase a stamp and your money will buy
Fun galore till the day you die -
Pleasure with ink and cardstock fed
By Mastercard and the dreams in your head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your art for a child to tear.

When you begin to make your art
You will find your children will always start,
Asking you “to make me one!”
And it always seems like it would be fun,
Then you will find - it's your own affair -
That you've given your art for a child to tear.

When you’ve handed over the beloved thing,
Decorated with stamps, embellies and bling,
And two weeks later, you open the door
To find it abandoned on the bedroom floor,
Stomped on, ripped, and crushed, beware!
Yes, you gave your art for your child to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to giving our stuff away.
Our art is not given, but only lent,
We certainly don’t expect to find it bent!
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've worked on ‘em, the more do we grieve:
For, when it comes down to it, in the end,
A child’s love on art does not depend.
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our art to a child to tear?

Hee hee...I thought you'd enjoy looking at what happened to William's mailbox not too long after I gave it to him. I didn't take a picture of the kids' mailboxes to post because I thought I could get away for once without showing something off. But now I wish I had! I'd at least have a picture of it to remember it by. [sob!]

The girls' mailboxes still look fairly good:

They've removed the greetings from the flags, but otherwise, they are much as they were when given.

But, you'll be glad to know, William's mailbox has entered a new incarnation:

It now exists to be a hat for "Soldier Bunny".

In other news...I finished the Busy Boy Squash Book:

I'll be making instructions for the squash books and will post them when I'm done. In the meantime, I accept your accolades to my writing genius (yes, I ADORE me!) in the spirit they are given...Au revoir, my friends, au revoir!

Stamper Famous for Tearing Edge Collapses.....

Janine Tinklenberg, aka JanTink, who enjoys her very tiny fame as the creator of the stamping soap, "The Tearing Edge", collapsed late Thursday evening.

"I got up this morning," said Dan Tinklenberg, her husband, '"And she was lying on the floor saying, 'Forty friggin' flowers...I cut out forty friggin' flowers...forty...friggin'....flowers..' That's it, just kept saying that over and over. I've told her and told her...these swaps are going to kill her, but she just laughed." Mr. Tinklenberg shook his head.

Scattered on the floor in the living room where Mrs. Tinklenberg was found were Hershey kiss wrappers, the box to National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, which she was apparently watching last night, and the paper cuttings from many copies of a big flower which was stacked neatly in a box. A pair of scissors dangled from her limp hand.

Mrs. Tinklenberg was rushed to the emergency room. Tentative diagnosis: swapitis. Doctors think she'll make a full recovery, but they said Mrs. Tinklenberg is insisting that her husband bring her some stamps and cardstock from home. "We haven't seen a case this bad in years!" one doctor said.